birth is always painful.

day whatever

Who am I kidding?  I have no audience.  There’s no one to write this for.  It is only on this, the final day of shooting, that I understand exactly what my house has always been: a future movie set.  I have figured out how to utilize the entire space of the house to make the vision just a little bit larger in scope.  It is also on this final day that I realize what it means to direct a film.  Everything is ready now.


day 6



Today we blocked out the entire final two sequences of the film, developed a schedule for the next two days of shooting, cast the father (hopefully), and got drunk.  Awesome.  Shout out to my mom for helping me get through the last 28 hrs.  My mom is the best.


OK, so we are next shooting from Weds 8/2 thru Sun 8/5.  We are once again descending into the woods of Lancaster county, Pennsylvania to get weird.  We will be shooting the final sequence of the film, which promises elaborate fx work the likes of which I have not undertaken before.  My younger brother will be there to work with me, and that is one of the most exciting prospects of this time of the production.  In addition, we will re-shoot some earlier footage, and also complete filming for the making of documentary and a special teaser trailer.

So, expect (scant, subtle, misleading) details of the production to follow here over the next week!  Be excited!

Take it

One time when I was an addictions therapist in Philadelphia, I found a pill in the pocket of the pants that I wore to work. I stared at it in the palm of my hand, wondering what it was and what I should do with it. How had it gotten there? I didn’t tell anyone. I went home and Googled it. The little digital images sparked neurological firings in my brain, telling of pleasures unknown. Percocet. Percocet. I imagined a patient slipping it into my pocket as a sort of test. I saw dozens of patients every day, ran groups of twenty and sometimes thirty, and there was no way of knowing which one had put it there. I had never taken a Percocet before, don’t think I’d even seen one. I swallowed it and didn’t feel any differently. Pills don’t do much for me. Except for Adderrall. Ah, Adderral. Another time, I found a Tylenol 3 on the bathroom floor. I picked it up, gawked at it. I went to the clinical leader who I was working under and asked her what to do with it. She laughed and said, “Take it”.

Another movie idea (WALPURGISNACHT): a summer camp horror movie. Ties in elements of witchcraft, Pennsylvania Dutch/PA German mythology, sociopathic children, underage lesbianism, underage homosexual and heterosexual fucking, the power of the group to mold and manipulate,

One more movie idea: LET’S KILL EVERYONE. Let’s call it FUGATE.

EXPERIENTIAL HORROR – not a manifesto

EXPERIENTAL HORROR is concerned with existential, minute-to-minute dread; the utter terror of being. The monster is not a supernatural bogeyman and the monster is not a symbol for eternal Evil. The monster is man.

EXPERIENTIAL HORROR is messy.  It is messy out of necessity.  Life is messy, after all.  Just exaggerate that mess a little bit and you end up with black and red blood all over the walls.

EXPERENTIAL HORROR is a generic mutation of Cronenbergish body horror for the post-post-postmodern viewer who understands that there is no quantifiable difference between body and mind and brain.  But it will appeal to fans of Bergman, too.


Since I got bac…

Since I got back from Pennsylvania, I have just been staring into the internet, not quite believing the mess of violent weirdness that our popular culture has become.  No one consumes music or television or movies from their TV.  It’s just the wild, wild west, leading to the creation of something like Actually Huizenga’s “Me and my Late Night Boys“, which takes pop music to its logical almost-extreme: softcore porn.  (Hardcore porn of course is the actual, logical extreme of pop music.)  Deadly Women seems like the most perfect television show ever, an utter distillation of the creeping death obsession that is pop culture.  That’s why I’ve watching 15 episodes of it this week, instead of editing my movie.  I’ll get around to it.  I have been busy.  But there’s a lot more to come.  Stay tuned.


I am interested in this story mostly because I worked with the wife of Jon Gosselin’s brother my first year out of undergrad and so I got to hear all of the intimate details of his life because she never stopped talking.  I never watched the show except the couple of times girls made me watch it, but I felt like I knew him pretty well.  I later heard all kinds of insane things about the family from various people who had to interact with them around Berks County or wherever the fuck they lived.  I am pretty sure they’re both awful in a lot of different ways.  I love that he is cosigning rabbis who are requesting tax incentives for marriage counseling, because it’s essentially the exact same tactic that Republicans use to give money to churches; you set up a non-profit attached to your religious institution of choice, and watch the govt money roll in.  How much of the money that President Bush sent to churches actually went to their food banks, soup kitchens, housing programs, etc?  I don’t know, because I’m too lazy to do the actual research (I’m a clinician fuck you), but I will just go ahead and assume that it’s not that much, and that they make up paperwork to make it seem like it’s all of it.  I am all for the govt funding psychotherapy (this is how I stay employed, for now), but we must also ensure that it’s not just going to church counseling programs.  There are many, many humanistic/existentialist, atheist/agnostic, pinko LGBTQIA-friendly therapists who aren’t working in religious contexts who need to get paid.  There are methadone and abortion clinics which need money to do important work.  The psychiatric medical model costs money, and there should be tax incentives to seek family counseling going to all of us.  Anyway, fuck god, fuck that rabbi, and fuck Jon Gosselin.  I finished shooting and am grinding away at being a therapist again.  I will probably start editing sometime this week maybe.  I am not a working artist; I don’t have a job in retail to subsidize my real passion, filmmaking.  I am a gd social worker who pretends to be making movies.  But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to actually, like, make gd movies.

day 5


So, today we continued shooting.  Joan arrived safely from Providence and we are hard at work making fake blood, screaming in the woods, staring into the void.  See you all soon.

day 4


day 3

We started shooting in one of our primary locations last nite.  I sat in the woods for the last two hours of light and recorded as much as I could.  Several truly stunning things happen, overwhelmingly beautiful moments which I could not have consciously tried to create on my own.  I am unsure of myself, self-conscious about my methods, and am I doing this Correctly?  But I don’t give a shit.  I’m doing it as I see fit, with all of the tools and skills I have available to me.  One such tool is the lovely and amazing Joan Wyand, who arrives tonight.  We are so excited to have her help!  And we begin shooting with our two leads this very evening!  Stay tuned.